The guilt eats me alive.

Please understand I’m not trying to “flex” or show off. Please please do. I don’t like the fact I’m even in this situation. I don’t know how to handle it.

I grew up poor and neglected. Parents separated, my dad hated it. Went to a school for kids to get a head start because we couldn’t afford preschool. Went to school smelling like cigarettes and with my hair messy. It was bad. There’s more to it but I’m not gonna dump all this onto you.

My dad, who had his life together and I eventually lived with during high school, passed away in 2021 when I was 17-18. I was the only beneficiary and I got money from insurance + our lawyer. I’ve been living off of it since because the job market hasn’t been too kind to me (or anyone in my area in general).

I’m much better off than any one of my friends, I mean, I have my own apartment now at 19. That’s fucking crazy and it definitely wouldn’t have happened without it. And I’ve developed a bunch of skills in the time since so it’s not like I’m a lost cause. I’m talented, I’m a great individual, I just need variety in a job, something that won’t repeat. Something interesting that’ll give me a chance.

I’m very demotivated. Each application, each email I get back that denies me, it just discourages me more and more and more. So I’m stuck. And it’s hard to not be. (Actually, I think I have a better chance considering I made my resume look better but i digress)

Anyway, the beneficiary money. I’ve been living off of it because of it which I know my dad wouldn’t want like I know I’m the family disappointment on both sides.. I hate the feeling. I can’t shake it off. I’m stuck either if I get a job or not because either way I’ll have to deal with it and the feeling like I’m wasting it.

I have never earned an amount of money higher than $400 a paycheck. So now that I have a very big amount of money in my savings, I’m so so so scared to spend it even on essentials. Even on things worth buying. Even on some stupid $1 trinkets from dollar tree. It sends me in immense stress and panic. It’s so hard to calm down. My boyfriend has to help me. I constantly ask him or my friends for reassurance that I’m not a bad person. I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t think it’s healthy.

I feel like I’m gonna let him down. I feel like at every moment he’s seeing me and wondering what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t even know.

My shopping habits are of course very frugal because that’s how I grew up. Aldi is a life saver, so are store brands. I know I don’t need them, but I still do it. I’m financially responsible I would think. But, I recently spent $200 these past two days on essentials and things that would last me long, I know it’s nothing but I’m so so anxious. I know I can live off of just ramen noodles and beans and rice. But I don’t. And the fact I don’t hurts. I could still have much more money.

I mean if I told you the exact amount I spent compared to what I obtained you’d call me a fucking idiot. I feel like I wasted it all. I feel awful and I know it isn’t okay.

All this happened so fast and I had no time to prepare. I was just a kid. I was in high school. And it all changed. I barely knew what the world offered. Like??? What the fuck just happened??????

You don’t gotta feel empathy for me. I just don’t know what to do.